Monologues by Simon Paul

I have now published all my current monologues in one handy collection on Amazon.
The link to the UK site is here: The Butler and Other Monologues
As well as my own, there is one that was written by my daughter when she was eight. It was part of a school project about WWII and is a letter home from an evacuee. It was used in a review I was involved in with Southfields Theatre Group. I recorded my daughter reading it and put some very atmospheric music over the top of it.
Anyway, you can buy or borrow these monologues from Amazon and if you do, I really hope you enjoy them.

My Scripts - BIG UPDATE

Forget below. I have now found a new place to sell my wares: Script Circle.
I am now getting all my scripts uploaded so that customers past, present and future can enjoy performing my ridiculous drivel brilliant masterpieces.

Unfortunately, the site where my scripts were for sale, Production Scripts, has folded.
The former owners have intimated that the site has been sold on and that it will be up and running again in due course. However, there is no concrete evidence of this. Consequently, until I get a chance to clean up this blog, all the links to my scripts are now broken. If you would like further information about my scripts then please contact me directly. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

More limericks

There was a young man with a chin

That was long and sharp and thin

The ladies would stare

Sometimes fondle his hair

Which left him in rather a spin

There was an old doctor called Brown

Who would often cycle round town

His long black hair

Caused the ladies to stare

But the men, they only could frown

I’d driven my car through mud

As such it was covered in crud

Difficult to see

I just missed the tree

But came to a stop with a thud!

(C) Simon Paul, 2013

The Spaceman - launching soon...

My latest monologue, The Space will be available on Productions Scripts soon. Here is a short excerpt to whet your appetite.
"Welcome to my audio blog called ‘A Life in a Day of a Real Live Spaceman.’ Well, here we are with T-minus three minutes before blast off, sat in the command module atop 225,000 kilograms of highly explosive materials. With a little help from God and a long taper, this metal monster will propel us to the international space station which will be home for the next forty five days. On my left is Grigory Kucherov, another seasoned spaceman. He’s been to the space station before. He’d love to tell me about it but I speak no Russian and he speaks no English. "

More details and a link to the script coming soon...

Some Home Grown Limericks

There was an old man in a hat

Who felt that he looked like a twat

His face was so thin

With a stupid wide grin

And his legs were large, round and fat

There was an old man in an inn

Whose love of his life was gin

When it came to his round

He ne'er had a pound

So his mates they battered him in

There was an old man with a shoe

Who said "oh what shall I do?"

"I've got two lovely feet,

which are really neat

but only one shoe, not two"

There was a young gardener from Leeds

Whose garden was covered in weeds

He got out his hoe

And got ready to sow

A selection of interesting seeds

(C) Simon Paul, 2013

Theatre, Poetry and Prose by Simon Paul: The Secret Agent

Theatre, Poetry and Prose by Simon Paul: The Secret Agent

The Terrapin

Latest in my series of monologues although slightly different as it does not follow the day in a life of a particular job.

The Terrapin is basically a bit of a rant by a man who receives an unusual gift for his fiftieth birthday. Okay, the title is a bit of a give-away in respect of the gift but how he deals with it is another matter altogether.

The Secret Agent

Within days of its publication on Production Scripts, my latest monologue, The Secret Agent made its first sale. Only a review copy but a sale nevertheless. It was purchased by a teacher at a high school in the US who also purchased various other scripts. He may have been amassing material for a high school review or just for some drama class exercises.

The Secret Agent joins my other scripts which are all now increasing in popularity. There are a lot more ideas in motion and I will be publishing further scripts, both monologues and full length pieces throughout 2013 and beyond. In the meantime, happy New Year to all my blog followers and readers.

Theatre, Poetry and Prose by Simon Paul: Simon's Cat

I know that Christmas is still a long way off but this makes me laugh so much...
Theatre, Poetry and Prose by Simon Paul: Simon's Cat

PARAPROSDOKIANS

Wow, what a word! This has gone viral today via email but I just had to share it. Great fun, enjoy!

Here is the definition:

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there's relatives.